It’s about that time of year: summer. While most people are eager to frolic in the sun, Stellar Underground brings you our seasonal warning about the perils of summer. Of course while everyone knows the common barrage of cautionary warnings to defend yourself from the deceptive season, what about the lesser-known yet ubiquitous woes of summer? Yes- we’re back on the critter beat to warn you about the angry animals that slept all winter and are now here to, quite literally, poop all over your summer fun.
Late last summer, we reported about the infamous agro Prospect Park squirrel that terrorized park-goers. In the fall, we reported that rats are slowly evolving to, eventually, probably, maybe attack humans. By now you should be thinking, “what else do I have to worry about?” The answer: BIRDS. Alfred Hitchcock got it right 55 years ago and his assertions still hold true today – birds are evil beings that will 100% ruin your party.
If you enjoy the beach, parks, hell, even rooftop parties, these birds will find you. If you enjoy a nice meal with your friends in the sun and humidity, these birds will jack you. A mere three years ago, the UK reported on killer seagulls plaguing their coasts and brutally murdering innocent, assumedly adorable, dogs and attacking people. Last year, Long Island residents gossiped about overly aggressive seagulls that couldn’t be contained by fences or wire, forcing restaurants to close off their affluent beachside dining area (a true travesty). Even New York City residents reported seeing an uptick in gull sightings, and noted “some species of gull are highly adaptable to anthropogenic environments and very opportunistic feeders.”
This can only mean one thing: much like the rats and squirrels we’ve warned you about - the birds have evolved. It’s only a matter of time before they come for humans as we make ourselves vulnerable during the summer by eating treats while half naked in the sun. Take our warning and stay safe this summer by staying inside and definitely don’t go anywhere near the beach. If you must go out to these hellish places, bring weaponry.
P.S. Don’t trust bird propaganda like this: LINK
It was clearly written by a seagull.