Rick (55-70?) Rick knows everybody but nobody quite knows Rick. He has an agent but has never been booked before. He’s “been around the block kid” for a lot of years. He assures you Artie Lange opened for him in the 80s. Questionable whether or not he sleeps in a park.
Leah (23) Self-proclaimed introvert who’s recently gotten really into musical comedy. She likes to think of herself as a Zoey Deschanel / Aparna Nancherla love child, and only makes jokes about keeping her plants alive because both her parents are liberal academics and she’s never really faced anything hard before. She wants you to know that she’s definitely awkward and it’s really cute.
Rob (20) SUPER meta because he calls out the fact that his joke “had a perfectly crafted premise you have to admit” even though nobody laughed. He’s not afraid to break the damn third wall and just call you all a bunch of dick weeds for not laughing at his joke about that time he realized his high school girlfriend was really just a lamp shade, which BTW, was an “undeniably clever set up you have to admit.” After nobody laughs at his jokes he often follows up with “yeah fuck me then!” which makes everyone not laugh harder.
Kyle (26) 75% of his set is wasted on empty phrases like “ok what’re we talking about today?” “oh man” and “uhhhhh.” He laughs when he’s talking sometimes to signify when everyone else should laugh, even though they do not. He holds the mic with both hands, keeping the firm grip of a man holding onto a cliff with his dear life. He gyrates his elbows up and down when speaking. There’s little to no chance he’s not on cocaine.
Ana (22) Gets too dark too fast. Always. She also always says “Sorry, did I get too dark too fast?” after nobody laughs. She’s very aware of the fact that being a comedian who has suffered from depression makes her niche and unique.
Derek (28) His best friend, Chris, runs the mic, so he spends four and a half of his five minutes riffing rather than saying anything of substance. It’s not enjoyable for anyone. To Derek, inside jokes are just punchlines that go over your idiot heads. Runs a podcast with Chris where they just read the original scripts for Louie outloud, and riff really hard.
Kayla (35) Impressions. Impressions. Impressions. This is what she calls herself ten minutes ago: “Wow! This could be an impression five minutes from now.” Haha.
Britney (27) Britney says things ironically like “I’m so pretty, right?” in a totally non-ironic way. She likes to think of her comedy as “a parody of all the bitches we all hate,” when in fact, she just is a bitch we all hate. Her motto is: With good looks and a little bit of a vocal fray, you can make any privileged and offensive joke sound just as privileged and offensive but a little bit jokier. Britney is racist.
Bucky (40) Thinks PC culture ruined comedy. I mean you can’t even talk about kidnapping a girl and hiding her in your parent’s basement anymore without being labeled a “rapist freak.” Uses the word “big knockers” 3-47 times in his set. Gets laughs from five other Bucky prototypes in the back, making him the funniest comic in the goddamn room.
Emma (34) Starts every set with a reminder that she’s Jewish. Ends every punchline with a reminder that she’s Jewish. Her favorite joke is “I started seeing a therapist because I overthink everything. She finally diagnosed me...with Judasim.” Isn't at the mic this week because Passover.