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How to Avoid Crushing Loneliness and Despair this Valentine's Day


Ah yes, it's everyone's favorite holiday, when love is in the air! Well, maybe it's not in your air, but surely you wouldn't let a little thing like being single ruin this fun and completely over-hyped holiday for you? Sure, you may not have anyone to buy overpriced chocolates for, or squeeze into a crowded restaurant with, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't let the sweet romance of the day fill your sad, bitter heart. So whether you've been single for a depressingly long time, or are in the process of going through a painful gut-wrenching break-up, here are some sure-fire ways to embrace this totally commercialized delight of a holiday:


Spend time with other single friends. Talk about how your career is more important that dating, how you're “just focusing on me right now,” and the potential of all this new sex robot technology. Don't have any single friends, or friends in general? Try...

An extravagant date for one. Treat yourself to a bottle of wine, a bubble bath, and buy yourself the softest brand of tissues to soak up the tears that will inevitably flow after drinking the entire bottle of wine.

Make yourself a hand-made valentine. Get out your tissue paper and glitter, and make yourself a beautiful work of art to inspire self-love and creativity. Then, burn the valentine in a black magic ritual to ensnare the man or woman of your dreams. There are plenty of resources online, trust me.

If none of these ideas work, perhaps some poetry might help get you into that Valentine's mood? In the spirit of the holiday, I've crafted a heartfelt sonnet, much like Shakespeare who we all know was a true master of getting laid:


Modern Love

Which online dating app is best to use

to find that special someone by next week?

Swiped right until my fingertips were bruised,

responses from my Match.com are bleak.

I've Bumbled, Zoosked, Plenty O Fish'd the sea,

tried OKCupid, Lulu, Down and Hinge.

Plus Wingman, Hater, and eharmony.

Hell, even added Grindr to my binge.

Coffee Meets Bagel didn't seem to work,

Nor Happn, Christian Mingle, qeep or skout.

No matter on which message boards I lurk,

The only thing I've gained is more self-doubt.

I guess it's time to just break out the lube

and settle for some pornhub and redtube.

Now if that doesn't help you, I'm afraid the only thing you can do is plan for binging all the discount candy on February 15th. And remember, Valentine's Day is much like a box of chocolates; most of them just leave a bad taste in your mouth.

#JanessaKowal #ValentinesDay #funtopics #StellarUnderground #bestupandcomingcomedians #newyorkcity #humor

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