By now you’ve already had a few days to adjust to being in 2018 and if you haven’t already ruined your resolutions then go you! New year, new you! Don’t worry though, there’s still time to fuck up your New Years Resolutions. If you’re wondering how to truly just crash and burn in your resolutions – I’m here to help you. As a seasoned New-Year-Resolution-Failure, I pledge that if you follow these simple steps, you too, can accept yourself for the sparkling garbage that you are.
1.) Diet: Be sure to get yourself to the grocery store to prepare for your upcoming still-New-Year hangover this upcoming weekend. If possible, go to the grocery store when inebriated so you can make impulsive snack decisions. This will help you to avoid health food and cave into your delicious anti-resolutions. Don’t forget to pick up some alcohol to enable your “I had such a hard day at work” delusion. Bonus: convince yourself that you deserve the alcohol, food, and sugar.
2.) Exercise: For me, I like to make sure I buy a very expensive gym membership so that when I look at my bank account I burn calories by crying instead of actually going to the gym. This methodology works like a CHARM when it comes to ruining your resolutions and ensures that you stay in the exact same, assumedly terrible shape you’ve been in since 2015. Bonus: convince yourself walking is sufficient exercise.
3.) Mental Health: If one of your resolutions was to work on your mental health, there are a couple of ways you can disastrously fail. First, you’re going to want to start by browsing 2/3 of your social media friends profiles. Secondly, you’re going to want to establish a strong sense of FOMO (fear of missing out) on the New Year events and winter vacations you didn’t participate in. This will help you to convince yourself that you are actually completely alone and have no real friends. Bonus: never share your true feelings with anyone.
4.) Money: If you’ve managed to combine all of the above steps, then this next step should be easy. If you haven’t prepared food for the week, you’ve come to terms with your lethargy, and you’re deep in the mode of consumerism, this trifecta will only produce one thing: a rapidly diminishing bank account. If your resolution was to save money in 2018, you can do the exact opposite by adopting the mantra: “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” Bonus: make sure you get in that savings account too.
In the words of RuPaul: Fuck it up.