We are gathered here today to celebr—I mean mourn, to mourn the loss of a year that touched everyone’s hearts and insurable benefits, as well as grabbed 50% of the population by the pussy. I’m talking about 2017, a name that makes people both cringe and physically vomit repeatedly while pinching themselves in the ass and whispering “how did this happen” over and over again whilst pouring bleach over their eyes every time The Ranch comes up in our suggested titles on Netflix.
2017 was a strange friend to many of us. For some, 2017 was the year of waking up in a daze, surrounded by unfinished sexts to ResistBot and two empty bottles of red wine. For others, it was the year we stopped proposing, giving head, and tying our shoes, for fear we might be labeled unamerican. Velcro sneakers made a huge comeback in 2017, and for that alone, he should be rightfully honored in his post-mortem memory.
2017 was even by my side when I began my unhealthy campaign against my own body, comparing myself to Instagram models who Photoshopped heavily but made more money than anyone else ever. He saw how much I wanted to fit in, and took away my healthcare, helping me lose 10 pounds as a result of not being able to afford by birth control anymore. Of course, I later gained back 50 pounds when I got pregnant, but he never could have predicted how irresponsible I would become, EVEN IF he took away sex education in my school.
Finally, 2017 was a family man. He’ll be remembered by those closest to him for his long talks over covfefe with foreign enemy nations, his Jesus-like ability to turn small turnouts into impossibly humongous numbers, and his love for putting quotation marks where they just don’t make sense. 2017 was a Robin Hood in disguise, taking away from many, and giving it back to himself and his white friends with dicks. I know what you’re thinking, that doesn’t SOUND like Robin Hood, but like I said, he didn’t like to show off how good of a person he thought he was.
2017 is outlived by fond memories of the years 2009-2016, future gun violence victims, and fidget spinners.