On Friday, a U.S Report was released regarding alarming evidence that humans are irrefutably the number one factor causing climate change. President Donald Trump issued a public response, via Facebook live chat, on people’s growing concern. We’ve obtained the transcript from the bizarre speech.
PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP:
It has come to my attention that the crooked liberal media, or in this case, the unanimous 13 federal agencies who otherwise may not be considered crooked, but at least leaning slightly, have made up hogwash, very very bad hogwash, about global warming. These are very bad people, people. But since I am the President and definitely won the election—Do you remember that by the way? I won the election. The biggest numbers—people from all around the world gave me standing ovations, even people in wheelchairs. Anyways, since I won the election, I must respond to these ridiculously bad claims. So here I am, definitely the President, doing just that.
First of all, what’s the big deal? Global warming—so what? The way I see it, and trust me, I see things completely purely, untainted by fact, is that only good can come from this. You’re telling me everything’s getting hotter? I mean, my daughter, Ivanka, she’s pretty hot. Really beautiful. But even she would benefit from the extra hotness. We all would. Except Jared, he literally couldn’t get any hotter. He’s perfect. Minus the Jewish thing.
Second of all, everyone’s pointing fingers at these California wildfires. “The flames! The flames!” they say. How do we even know these fires really happened? The media LIES. And trust me, I know lies. How? I have a friend of a friend of a friend who does it ALL THE TIME. So believe me, I know how to lie. And the only thing definitely flaming in California is Kevin Spacey, who, by the way, is a very very fine man. The finest. We hold many of the same values.
Finally, I want to remind everyone that I allowed this research to be conducted. If my administration was trying to hide something, we would have buried it. We’re just looking at these facts alternatively. For example, you could say the grass is green, sure, but you could also say the grass is anti-American for always remaining on the ground during the National Anthem. You could say water is wet, that’s all fine and well, but you could also just say “Lock her up!” At the end of the day, my administration cares about the American people...see what I did there. I said “cares about the American people” instead of “is balls deep in gas lobbyists' pockets and too busy breast-feeding me (ok, just Ivanka), and changing my diapers to notice the entire country crumbling around them.”