Sometimes... when you gotta go, you gotta go. And, sometimes that even means you have to... Poop in public.
The worst part about pooping in public is, well, the public. If everyone could just be non-existent for those 5-10 minutes… that’d be great. But since that's not the case- here's a simple etiquette list that will help make the experience... less awkward.
1. If there are other stalls open, do NOT choose the stall closest to the pooper.
One would think this is the obvious course of action. The people who do this are arguably worse than the people who choose to sit right next to you on a bus/train full of empty seats. When you do this, you force the pooper next to you to lose concentration on what they’re doing and shift focus to whether or not you can smell or hear them. Thus, prolonging the entire process. Public pooping is like 70% mental, people.
2. If all you are doing is taking a piss, do not prolong the process for no reason.
Wrap it up already! Don’t take a phone call in the stall or start playing with the fuzz in your underwear. There’s someone practically dying next to you. Probably clenching and holding it in for dear life in anticipation of your departure from the restroom.
3. If you notice someone lingering in a stall, do not spend a significant and useless amount of time in the mirror.
Again… wrap it up! Show some common courtesy. You’ve likely been there before. Sitting, clenching, waiting for that last person to exit the restroom so you can forcibly release all the pinned up demonic spirits that have gathered in your intestines. You remember the feeling don’t you? Don’t be that person. Leave the damn restroom.
4. Do not inquire if someone is “okay”. Ever.
Unless it’s pretty obvious that this person is actually in severe pain or dying, why the hell would you turn around and say “Everything okay in there?” No, motherfucker. Everything is NOT okay. They've been waiting for your selfish ass to leave the restroom for the past 15 minutes and now they're so backed up they're about to shit out of their mouth. Can you leave!?
5. If you walk in while someone is mid-releasing- do not, under any circumstance, laugh.
Even if it’s the loudest concoction of sounds you ever heard in your life. You hold that laugh in like your life depends on it. Also, don’t go around telling everyone that someone just dropped a massive deuce in the restroom. What happens in the restroom, stays in the restroom. So help you God.