After a debaucherous past few days, a warning about the perils of end-of-summer-shenanigans must be made. A warning that must be heeded so strongly, as if your life depended on it: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT TRY TO FIT IN ALL OF YOUR SUMMER FUN INTO THE NEXT TWO WEEKS BEFORE FALL BEGINS.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been working all through these past few summer months, avoiding the suffocating humidity in air conditioned offices, restaurants, bars, and, my personal favorite- the comfort of your own home. The sudden freedom from embarrassing sweat patterns on your shirts may compel you to try to do all of the exciting fun things your freak-humidity-loving-friends have been doing all summer. But I’m here to tell you that you should learn from my mistakes and not try to cram in a truly exhausting amount of fun into the next few weekends.
It may seem like a great idea to engage in events that seem completely innocent, but I’m here to tell you – you’re wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. As always, your one drink at brunch can spiral into a full day of day-drinking, into thinking it’s a great idea to get that tattoo you’ve always felt lukewarm about, and, god forbid, into drunk shopping and completely demolishing your bank account by buying random garbage because you just got paid and you “deserve this” (you don’t).
New Yorkers must exercise caution and restraint when performing any of the following activities: going to brunch, going out “for one drink” after 5 PM, scheduling plans with that friend you haven’t seen in months, buying tickets to an event, and going out for dinner to any place with cloth napkins.
If you need additional reinforcements, slide into my DMs to see my latest joke of a tattoo.
You’ve been warned.