Following the wake of the neo-nazi/white supremacist march in Charlottesville last week, Donald J. Trump has bravely condemned both sides for their obviously equally wrong reactions to the event. Today, the White House released a list of other scenarios where the blame clearly stemmed from both parties:
Charlie Sheen & Women He Gave STDs to: The women probably contracted STDs from sitting on his toilet, which was their own fault because they should've been squatting over the seat like proper ladies.
Banana Peel & Clown Who Slips On It: Why wasn't the clown's chin down? He/she should live in a constant state of shame, nose and eyes to the ground. He/she did this to his/herself when he/she took Clowning 101 in college to fulfill his/her humanities requirement.
La La Land Almost Winning an Oscar & Moonlight Taking it Away: La La Land offered us originality...Never in the history of the world has there been a white man who invented jazz!
Guy Who Came Inside Of Her & Woman Who Told Him to Pull Out (and cum on her stomach): He did it for her. She should thank him for not drawing any attention to her bloated stomach.
Pilgrims & The Native Americans they Massacred on Thanksgiving: To be fair, the Native Americans didn't stick to the pilgrim's dinner registry of baked ham and blind servitude.
Ross and Rachel: Maybe if Rachel wore a fucking bra once in awhile, her ice cold nipples wouldn't emit a draft that froze Ross' eardrums, thus deregulating the functionality of his cerebral cortex, the part of your brain that tells you not to cheat on Jennifer Anniston.
Brad & Jen: Again with the nipples, Rachel.