TO: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DONALD J. TRUMP
CLASSIFIED MEMO: LIST OF TOP REINCE PRIEBUS REPLACEMENT CONTENDERS
JULY 26, 2017
Ryan Roe Ronald Risner
Always asked to say his name 10 times fast. Has “Microsoft Office” listed under the special skills section on his resume. Took a free online course on law. Or, maybe it was Thai cooking.
A self-described people person; People Person Pattinson. Good at email. Better at Venmo.
Lionel R.L Rysenhowler
Waits till movies are out on DVD to watch. Was once told he had exceptional handwriting by Miss Watson, his 6th grade English teacher. Claims to only need 400 calories a day, leaving him with extra time to serve his country.
Played Call of Duty competitively for 6 years between the years of 2007 and 2013, leaving him with an impeccable understanding of war and politics. Extreme attention to detail. Enjoys organizing the trinkets in his mother’s linen closet.
Son of third cousin to Anthony Scaramucci. Managed books in family’s Italian restaurant in Hoboken. Secretly hates salami but loyalty is important to him. 17 years old.
Went to Harvard. Once. On his way to his alma mater, Boston University.
Never had a problem calling the doctor as a child to make his own appointments. Widely viewed as a self-starter. Uses comic sans in professional documents to make the workplace a little more spunky.
Will take "literally anything." Just wants to get back on her feet. Recently went through hard times. Sean Spicer in drag.