BREAKING NEWS: Aggressive Squirrel Rampage Has Come to an End

Last week, New York bid farewell to one of its cutest sources of terror: The Prospect Park Squirrel.

Presumed to be dead by park rangers, the squirrel (and possibly its squirrel squad) went on the offensive between July 18th and July 20th, terrorizing park goers near the Parkside and Ocean Avenue entrance of Prospect Park in Brooklyn, NY. A total of five people were viciously bitten, including a mysterious jogger who probably annoyed the furry fauna by being too healthy.

Although no known cases of squirrel-bite transmitted rabies to humans exist, the Health Department urged the attacked to visit their doctors, in lieu of using WebMD to diagnose themselves with brain cancer or polio or any other wildly improbable disease.

Popular conjecture indicates the crazed critter may have been a pet, released into the wild after someone came to their senses and realized squirrels aren’t that great of house guests, especially when they reach adolescence. Others speculate that the squirrel may have gone down the path of drugs and alcohol after gnawing on dirty syringes and near empty beer cans left behind by inconsiderate drug users in the park. This author suspects (largely out of her own desire for complete chaos) the squirrel may have just wanted to make a name for itself and go out with a bang - or, in this case, a bite.

While we may never know the squirrel’s motives, its reign of terror has seemingly ended. May the genderless, unnamed beast live on in infamy, and may it one day return to find my ex who frequents Prospect Park.

RIPP: Rest In Prospect Park

#aggressivesquirrel #comedy #satire #AlanaSeggman #ProspectPark #Brooklyn #funny #humor #humorandnews


Stellar Underground is a blog dedicated to keeping up with the up and coming comedians in New York City. And, since we are obsessed with comedy in general- we also talk about everything in between.

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