Things Sean Spicer Does to Pass the Time While He Waits to Get Fired

-Eats ice cream sundaes alone in public parks while he enviously watches children run around with their innocence blaring, almost taunting him, he feels. "Never change," he whispers, as strawberry syrup ($2.50 extra) dribbles down his two chins.

-Calls his nephew, Todd, who used to look up to his uncle's work as a school senator back at Connecticut College. However, that was high school Todd. Todd now goes to Hamilton College and majors in gender and sexuality studies with a minor in peace-making. He has rebelled against his family name by buying two Pussy Riot albums and a soft copy of Motorcycle Diaries from his mother's Amazon Prime account. He doesn't answer his uncle's calls.

-Walks into churches in the Washington area which he suspects are empty. He prefers uninhabited holy areas after a 50 year old Puerto Rican woman from Reston threw a 7/11 slushy at his head during mass. This especially hurt Spicer's feelings because his mother never let him have 7/11 slushees as a kid (she said they were tainted with sugar made by the Russians to brainwash little boys). He feared this slushee-to-skin contact might have damaged some of his deep thinking capabilities, and got a tetnis shot shortly afterwards.

-Google searches hostels in Nicaragua that are in need of an older, complex yet delicate, bartender with little to no experience. Spicey always had an affinity for making tropical mixed drinks for his buddies. One time he put lavender in a Gin and Hendrix and an underraged girl told him it was the best drink she's ever had that night. He wonders what she's doing now.

-Visits the local Noah's Ark adoption center to find a dog in worse shape than he is. He then asks a volunteer where the bathroom is and cries for 15 minutes because he's a monster. He often leaves with that same dog, now having to care for 6 mangy and violent-prone animals who live in the basement of his mother's house.

-Writes "I am not my actions" 1,000 times in his moleskin notebook that he got on his first day at the White House. Everyone got to pick their notebooks, but all the fun colors got picked first, so he was left with a brown one.

-Tries Todd again, this time through the contact form on his Wordpress entitled "Fuck my Uncle Sean Spicer." He politely asks him to fix the punctuation error, changing it to "Fuck my Uncle, Sean Spicer." He likes to think of himself as a grammar Nazi, but certainly not a regular one.

-Orders pork fried rice from his favorite Chinese joint, "Chinese Food." He asks his waiter how his wife, Amy, is doing, and also to lay off the soy sauce on his dish. This, of course, is because soy sauce has gluten in it and Spicer suffers from mild to very severe IBS. They, of course, have gluten-free soy sauce, but Spicer fears the media will get word of his irregular bowel movements and give him a hard time. He just wants to eat his tasteless, unseasoned pork in peace.

-Checks his Google Alerts on "sean spicer," "baby spice," "spicy diarrhea," "spicy chicken wings," "spice spice baby," "sugar and spice," "and everything nice," "sean spicer-good guy?," "spicy hot cheetos," "sean is the bomb," "I hate sean spicer," and "spice me up buttercup." He adds any relevant hits to his Google Spreadsheet (no one will give him their Microsoft Word download. He's tried.) and anonymously sends it to Todd under the email alias "". He then reads a chapter of his favorite book, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," and wonders when it will all stop.

#StefDagostini #stellarunderground #seanspicer #satire #politicalhumor #humor #funny #comedy #humorandnews


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