Things You Want Your Male Partner to Say vs. What He Actually Says

WANT: I pick up on all your little mannerisms! You're so cute when you scrunch up your nose when you're mad.

REALITY: I saw you banging your head into your wall because Sarah got more likes than you on instagram. I stole some of my mom's Xanex for you, you fucking psycho.

WANT: I'm so jealous (in a controlled and healthy way) of all the male attention you get. You're clearly the hottest girl in the world. I'm so lucky to have you. REALITY: Go ahead and fuck Dan from accounting. I hope he knocks you up. And the baby gets your nose. Whore.

WANT: Good morning, my sweet angel. I made you some blueberry buckwheat polenta waffles for breakfast. Although, I doubt you'll even eat them because you're so thin and delicate. REALITY: Here's a towel for when I busted on your stomach last night. Speaking of that sack of flesh, it made weird grumbly noises while you were sleeping. Also, you queef in your sleep.

WANT: I would literally die without your kisses. Your smooth skin pressed upon mine is all I need to keep me going. REALITY: That organic Toms toothpaste you've been using smells like baby vomit and tree bark. Go back to Crest. Also, your pimple popped on my face this morning when you tried to kiss me and I literally ran to the bathroom to vomit and shower. That's why I was up so early.

WANT: Babe, how are you NOT a model? REALITY: Gigi Hadid got hotter, somehow--Oh, I jack off to her fanpage--Have you ever considered doing even an ounce of what she's doing?

WANT: I'm in love with the shape of you. REALITY: I was reorganizing my fruitbowl this morning and I realized you're kinda grapefruit shaped.

WANT: I'm incredibly open to hearing about what you want sexually, and will never push your boundaries without verbal consent and mutual respect. REALITY: Of course I knew that was your asshole the whole time.

WANT: I don't even need to have female friends anymore. You're my girlfriend AND my best friend. REALITY: Cindy doesn't like you and I kinda get why because I you're kinda fucking annoying always.

WANT: If I'm a bird, you're a bird. REALITY: I swear, I only call you 'beak face' to my closest friends and immediate family.

WANT: I love you. REALITY: I like your tits when you're on your period.

#StefDagostini #comedy #humor #whatwomenwant #whatmenwant #whatmenthink #stellarunderground #funtopics


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