1. Ivanka is as hot now as she was 10 years ago
2. I peed in the snow this winter and found it to be twice as thick as usual. My urine perfectly concentrated on top of the snow mound, serendipitously becoming my latest hair piece!
3. My heart is ice
4. Similarly, I love ICE (Immigrations and Customs Enforcement)
5. Putin once told me I'm his "ice ice baby" (лед лед детка)
6. Sean Spicer's hot diarrhea attacks have cooled down in recent weeks. This, he says, is a good thing for combatting his chronic diaper rash, and proving that the earth is not warming.
7. Studies show Betsy DeVos never will be hot
8. Paris deal is trash. I was way more of a Nicole fan myself. "That's hot," my ass, Paris. Tell that to a room full of New Yorkers in the middle of a late February snowstorm.
9. My two scoops of ice cream at dinner last night were extra frozen. Jared graciously volunteered to chew each bite for me, then spit them into my mouth for me to enjoy, like a presidential baby bird.
10. My semen remains its usual, stable temperature of 67.3 degrees Fahrenheit. I always stick a thermometer in my penis while stepping over the polar bear carcusses at the construction site of Trump Hotel Antarctica. Just because. Don't worry though, we've hired a Mexican to take care of the dead bears.