Recently, I forgot my father's birthday. Yes, I am awful. But before you judge me, just know that he forgot it too. It
passed without recognition, acknowledgement or cake. Only when my Grandma, 90 years old, reminded her son that it was indeed his birthday, did the rest of our family remember.
My Dad played this up big time. He pretended to cry for hours and said he’d never felt more alone - which I took as a
challenge. It got ugly. He disowned me. I disowned him. He tried to auction me off on eBay and I posted a "Dad for Free" ad on craigslist. It was a hard few days. But as any good daughter would do, I sent him a belated birthday card (pictured below) to try to rectify the huge fracture this caused in our relationship.
When he received it a few days later, I got an email:
To whom it may concern,
This is notification of receipt of the belated Birthday Card you sent to your father, Mr. Victor Anonsen, BA, Pol. Sc., U of M.*
Unfortunately he is unable to accede to your request to refrain from expending the gift in a single location, but that is largely to do with the paucity of said gift. As a matter of fact, he is, at present, downtown judiciously spending the gift on "Hookers & Blow". Thus he's unable to personally acknowledge his profound gratitude of your "exceptional" generosity.
He doesn't perceive your oversight as a slight. NOT AT All. He gets that you're a ‘busy gal’ with lots of important stuff ta do. No time for DADS! Who is your DAD anyway?! Just the handsome, macho male mostly responsible for your very existence!
Oh sure, Mom carried you for a few measly months; gave birth and nurtured you… but did she show you the 'Behind-The-Back-Dribble', 'Crossover' or 'Euro Step'?? No! She doesn’t even know what those are (loser).
But rather than sit about, moping and whining over your hurtful forgetfulness, he is currently at a small, seedy bar in the Inner Harbour, actively engaged in ‘getting revenge’.
Which is why I must end this letter and arrange to bail him out.
Sleep well, Armando Gartwosta Personal Assistant, Victor Anonsen, Esq. *Also First Aid Certificate, Tennis Canada Instructor, Police Record Check, Class 5 Driving License, Marriage License, 2007 Fishing License, and other ones... Moment later... his inbox dinged - Hello Armando, Thank you for your lovely response to Ms. Anonsen's generous gift. She's currently out of the office, on vacation in Saudi Arabia, pouring oil over the destitute in order to show dominance and wealth. It's a woman thing. I will pass along the message upon her return. She will be delighted to hear that her father is spending his money on something fruitful, rather than useful. H&B is a classic choice. Kudos to your boss. Kelsey's been really into poetry these days, and recently wrote one about her Father. I don't think she'd mind if I share, so I will post it below. The smell wafts down the hallway before him, His bones, now frail, wobble under the weight of his, enormous, head. Will he ever dare to look in the mirror? I hope not. For his sake. Beautiful, isn't it? Best, Almafrodorio Contootaferia Executive Assistant, Kelsey Anonsen, PhD, MD, MBA, BCBG
It’s unclear as to whether my father and I will have a loving relationship ever again. But we will try to get back to a place where we can build trust, care for each other and forget each other’s birthdays in peace. Thanks, Grandma…