Good afternoon, graduates! It is a pleasure to be back on this stage. It was not too long ago that I too was sitting in those seats, maybe even in your chair—well, maybe that’s a bit of a hyperbole, I am quite the, what some might call, abuela. Pause for laughter. Of course, I’m making fun of the fact that I used spanish words during my campaign, and it was very, very misguided. YUGE mistake. Pause for laughter. Totally my fault, but everyone else is to blame.
Anyways, life doesn’t always work out as planned, ha ha. Of course, I’m talking about me losing the presidency. It’s alright though. Long walks in the wilderness do wonders for recovery. And some wine. And I suspect a little bit of ecstasy here and there. Crack cocaine helps on the really hard days too. Pause for uncomfortable laughter. Of course, I’m talking about when I took a hike in the woods and everyone loved it.
But this isn’t about me, it’s about you, the class of 2017. The young girls out there. And boys. And nonconforming folks. And ultra-conforming folks. And the LGBTQ...A..B...C…..DEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ—(OFF-STAGE) Did I get them all? How about 1..2...3….456? No? Alright. My message is for people of color, the blind, the deaf, those suffering from chronic dandruff, Muslims, immigrants, people who hate the word moist, republicans, democrats, Bernie Sanders, jiggalows, furry enthusiasts, Busta Rhymes, Shonda Rimes—(OFF-STAGE) Am I missing anyone, because if they say I’m missing someone—Keep going? Ok. This is for you, and me, and we, and us, them, their, who, what, when, where, why and how. And even people who don’t think Pluto’s a planet—(OFF-STAGE) That’ll appease the Pluto people right? Do we have their vote? Still no? Fine.
I want you all to know that we must keep going. We must tirelessly fight the orange monsters under our beds. Pause for laughter. Of course, I’m directly and not to subtly referring to our President himself. I tell jokes now. Ha ha. Pause for laugh—(OFF-STAGE) Oh I’m not supposed to say that part? Well then why’d you put it in? Nevermind. Congratulations Class of 2017! I’m off to snort some China White.
Watch the whole speech here: