President Donald Trump has always brought light to the bigliest of questions: Where’s Obama’s birth certificate? Why has no one ever seen Frederick Douglas and Obama in the same room together? And most recently: Why was the Civil War a thing?
The Civil War—for those of us who fell off our gold plated tricycles at the age of two, hitting our thin-skinned heads and falling into a coma until age of eighteen, at which point we’d already missed all of the basic mandatory American history classes—was the war fought between the North and the South over slavery between 1861 and 1865.
Trump recently told Washington Examiner reporter, Salena Zito, that had Andrew Jackson been alive, the qualms between the states would have been negotiated and ultimately, the war avoided. Andrew Jackson—for those of us who awoke from a sixteen year coma with amnesia, rendering us unable to remember which US presidents were just assholes and which were slave-owning mega-assholes—was the seventh president of the United States, and pro slavery AF.
Here at Stellar Underground, we want to remind you why the Civil War was actually a thing, Mr. President, and moreover, why all things, are things. For example, your tiny hands are a thing because your Mom loved you so much so that she starved herself of basic prenatal care, like vitamins, so that one day you’d have hands just the right size to make your small penis only seem kind of small. Your thin wispy hair is a thing because you’ve burned all your brain power trying to comprehend how basic American politics work, and the heat melted what little scruff you had left into little corn husk-like follicles. And slavery was a thing because of colonialism, American saviourism, and our deeply ingrained dehumanizing views on races other than our own.
But back to that birth certificate...